Showing posts from 2018

2018: Decisions + Wounds + Body issues + Self love.

summary of 2018.
*Caution: Long entry ahead, read with care*
I have so much to write when it comes to the end of the year.
Firstly, I wanted to pat myself on the back because I write more than I thought I wouldn't be able to. But somehow I manage to fit my writing time into my schedule and commit to it regardless. There were a lot editings and finding the right photo that fit the entries, but still I always feel that excitement and happiness whenever I've published a new entry. It does not make me feel like an obligation that is yet to be submitted though sometimes it was hard to process for some, the process of doing it makes me feel happy. So, I am still continuing this journey, unfolding different aspects of my life and to share my thoughts about it.
Also, I wanted to thank those who are always supporting my entries regardless. Million thanks to you all who actually spend time to read it ❤️. Still, my initial goal is to do what I love and that is to share what inspires me an…

When will you love me?

How long I have to wait for you to love me?
And all the quotes that I have read, all the songs that I have listened to, all the movies that I have watched, all the people I have met, some are real, some broke me, when will you say the words, to yourself?
'I' and 'you' above, represents yourself.
My dear,  you don't need recognition by others, nor validation by those who focus on your appearance, and you are paddling hard on your bike, running as fast as you are capable to, in order for you to chase a certain someone, a certain beauty standard aimed by the society, that is always subject to changes.
But I have to ask, when will you stop denying, that beautiful face of yours? that beautiful soul you have within you? And when will you stop, hurting yourself? shutting yourself out? breaking yourself for somebody else? And when I ask you who do you love, how long does it take to say yourself?
I quote an anonymous owner for the last two sentences.

And I wonder, when can you …

Chaotic night | Short Story.

After all the chaos in her little mind, she is finally at ease. Mindless conversations drained her energy, her silence shows it clearly.
The people she met for the first time, she knew that she wouldn't be seeing them after this. She knew social parties are never her thing, but she promised herself to do it for the last time.
Different faces she sees, in seeking familiar shadows or reflections.
She left the social group with peace, even she got invited for another feast.
Her excuse is to catch the second last bus, for she lived far away from the city.
"No regrets, no regrets."
She walked as she murmured.
She found her inner peace once she boarded the bus, earphones in with her favourite song.
Under the bright round moon she walks, in the cold wind that made her face flush. Both hands in her pocket, street lamps above her head. It was a rather bright night, at least for her at the moment. She enjoyed the walk back to her residence, more than on the social table. Silence …


Am I ready?
I find myself writing a lot about growth, but not in being an adult. The differences between the two is the former is mandatory, the latter is optional. Undeniably, I do enjoy the process of growing. Personally and mentally, regardless. Even if adulting is associated with growing up, I find myself not giving it enough credit on my entries. Only when I find myself thinking about the things I have had handled before arriving in the UK. The fact that I have booked a one way ticket and physically flew from my home country to a foreign country still scares me today lol. Flying to the UK is not yet the most terrifying part, but manage to survive and deal with a lot of problems alone at all times is.
Everything seems to come into one part that incites me to write this entry. The ultimate question would definitely be the one asked by my friend: Do you think that you are an adult?
There are numerous factors that are linked with this question that I couldn't address everything a…

Reducing meat consumption ⬇️🥩

Not a vegetarian and definitely not a vegan.

*summary at the end of entry*

I first acknowledge the vegetarian diet when I was 15 years old when I notice one of my classmates is vegetarian. I used to consume a good amount of meat because they taste delicious (They taste delicious still.. I miss steak lol 🥩🍽️ #triggeringvegans). I eat tons of veges as well, but if compared, meat had accounted most in my daily meals.
Recent years I have decided to cut down the consumption of meat. I do it mainly because I have had so so so much meat in the past, and looking back I felt disgusted by myself. I am judging my past self, no offence people. And this explains the sudden bulk when I was 9 years old. I had my fair share of protein and carbohydrates (carbs) during my elementary years (I love my meat and my rice 🍚😂). 
Before studying abroad, I had decided that I will become a vegetarian and obviously, I have failed. Fortunately, I have found a better way for myself in adjusting a diet that fits …


Compilation of photos in my phone.
I have a habit of taking photos from different angles or simply anything that catches my eye. Angles that I see and deem beautiful, things that introduces or redefine the meaning of beauty to me. Little did I knew that I have developed this habit and is building it throughout the years. I used to have a dream of being a photographer during my teenage years. This explains my love for cameras and my habit of carrying my camera to places.
A lot of people call me weird for bringing my camera everywhere. I have taken number of photos. However, I did not take nice photos, I have to honest. Still, I did what I wanted to do. Although sometimes it may be weird for me to remain still at the same spot for me to capture a moment or to adjust a certain angle to make the item or person prominent in my photos. Plus, I got my photos stolen without being credited to me. That is why you should make sure you credit others' photos.
If you are a reader from the past…

Looking Back.

Does it help?
As humans, we have to make progress every day, to keep moving forward or else you are considered regressing or unproductive human being. For example, your results have to be better than the previous ones, or you have to put more effort in finishing today's work than yesterday.
I thought to myself: What does looking back means? Am I considered as a "regressive" human being if I do that?
Often, nostalgic puts me on the path of looking back. Personally, I will go through my photo albums and listen to old music which I once felt emotional listening to it. While doing that, I will ask myself if I have made a good decision in the past or if I am on the right track now. I think a lot about things. The joy of being human. Well, I get tired with my thoughts most times 🤷‍♀️. Then again, these things brings me back not only the memories but looking back at my past as a sign of growth.

We can keep track of a lot of things, expenses and revenues, documents, etc. I real…

Reflecting: Next chapter.

Flesh and blood, this proves that I am human.

Each stage for me is a new chapter. I do a lot of self reflecting as a flawed human being. And yes, I did just admit that I am flawed but I don't think there is a problem being flawed while constantly trying to become a better person. Maybe I was a bad person in someone's story, regardless, I am still moving towards being a better person.
"Better", is such a subjective word. Your definition of this word does not necessary equate to how I define it. 
Well, technically I don't define it. I allow it to have a floating definition. I tend to practice things that makes me feel whole. I wanted to share with you guys what I am constantly practicing and wanted to incorporate into my practice some time. By saying these things I don't mean that I am right, I just encountered them in some situations and how the situations make me feel, and that is when I knew that I have to practice this part of me more in order to react diff…

Last hour.

What will you do?
I thought about death a lot ever since the age of 20.
Not only due to some deaths occurred in the past or on the news, friends of mine actually made comments about depression may lead to suicidal thoughts and further committing suicidal actions. I won't be writing about suicidal thoughts or depression in depth because to me it is a really sensitive topic to talk or write about. And I, myself, is not adequate to write about such topic. Discussions with me, however, is possible. See how I mention about adequacy instead of qualifications? I guess maybe some of you could see the differences.
If this offends you, do take a step back or move away from this entry. It may be sensitive for some people to talk about death, especially in the Chinese society where it is a taboo to even mention about it. Part of me wants to talk about, another part of me is scared to do so. Yes, I am scared.
Sometimes I wonder, if I only have an hour left before I leave this world, what will I…

Thank you, next.

I'm so fcking grateful.

I am inspired by the song written and produced by Ariana, Thank u, next.

I have lost count of how many times I have replayed this song because I really like it and how it relates to myself as well.
It emphasises how hard is it to achieve self love after loving many people. A situation that happened to most of us. I could relate to Ariana at least on this level. Sometimes, we did not give ourselves enough time to actually love ourselves, and to wander around the society with full of love to give yet no one to accept, and at times, the wrong person to accept it.
By this, I have learned it is time to set yourself free from the entanglement of the want of giving away love while being grateful those whom you truly loved before. Because they are the ones who contribute in shaping us as a person, to become someone we are today. No matter how hard it is to accept the past, the fact that the said person transforms you will not change. And lost is not always a lost.

Seven Sisters, Seaford.

A  picnic sharing session.
13 October 2018; Saturday. Another story that makes me hop happily home after. I do this a lot, believe me. I have days when I just don't feel like talking, I will stare out the window or sit at random spots just observing people. Then there are days when I feel so contented with life that I hop like a child on my way back home. I believe she's still in me.
The days when I was so busy with work and I beg for a stress-free environment to escape reality just for awhile (still escaping as I write this entry). It's like Yunjun heard my prayers and she granted it by asking me to hangout and we went. Interesting thing was, I didn't know anyone besides Yunjun at that time, but I tag along anyways.
Fun fact: I am a introverted person to the extent I refuse to hangout with strangers just to avoid awkwardness.
But here I am, going a day trip with a friend and a few strangers who became good friends after and I don't regret it.
And therefore, I shall p…

How We Met: Airport Friendship

It's funny how you cross paths with people.
I wouldn't imagine myself meeting someone from the airport, becoming friends and hangout with them later in the future. This cute lady came and talk to me when both of us were waiting for transition at Dubai airport. The first thing I notice about her is her bubbly personality and she does not look like her age. Well, I look like her age and she looks like mine 😂. Fortunately, she was smart and had suggested we should exchange numbers so that we could keep-in-touch after settling down.
She initiated a lot and I felt ashamed for replying her messages slow (I was busy settling down at that point). I was still contemplating where we should go since we didn't see each other after we parted ways at Gatwick airport. I saw her message inviting me to Eastbourne, a small town with rich nature scenery (Seven Sisters cliff is there) and I went.
It was a lovely day where I meet new people. But I shall continue this story in the next post.


How I incorporated Art into Photography.

And what is created shall never be forgotten.

I was so inspired to write this entry after having a chat with my housemate, who is currently studying Masters in media related course. She is highly influenced by Art, and has that halo of creativity. Her interests in any media that emits creativity is intense and anything that is beautiful will surely caught her eye. 
A massive thank you to Cecilia for inspiring me to write this post and to further explore my creative side.
I always have a thing for the aesthetics, colour combination, symmetry, angles and geometrical shaped items. Most of the time I have even portrayed them in my photos without noticing it. It was until I took this photo and showed it to her while she was sitting beside me eating lunch. 
We had a fair share conversation about photography and arts. She told me that I have developed my early age drawing skills into these type of photography instead. For years after dropping my drawing and painting skills, I didn't even …

Your puzzle.

It's all about putting yourself together.
The ultimate question which I am afraid of being asked: what are your future plans? To put this in a simpler way: what are you planning to do after graduation? These questions will put me in a situation where I will stand there, blunted, staring into an invisible dimension, waiting for it to consume me. Okay, a little too dramatic. But for those out there who understand me, a few words can put tons of pressure on you in split second.
My degree is ending soon (Already ended when I publish this post). This makes me worry about how to deal with myself in the near future. I could not even decide what to eat for the next meal! And here I am, being asked to answer such grown up question though I am a young adult already! Hahhahaa. shit.
Every time I will give an honest answer, hoping that person will understand me. Sometimes not and it's okay. What I say tend to shock some of them: "Shame to say this, but I still don't know yet."…

Life goes on

whether you wanted it or not.
"Life will always carry on- no matter what. It's up to you if you go with it or not." My Husband: The Stranger, Rebecca Done.

It's funny that I was graduated from Hull only 3 months ago and have moved to another city for my Masters. The fast-paced journey got me hectic especially when I was dealing with the application to this university. Fortunately, everything went by smoothly unlike last time. Regardless, those are the past.
I never mentioned in here why I have chosen Hull as my first and only option as a transfer student. A few asked why I have chosen Sussex as my current university but no one did in the past. 
Fun fact: Sussex is also my one and only option to study Masters. 
Speaking about risk taking... I am not a risk taker, yet I did that with my university applications 😝🙈.
It actually took me awhile to decide whether I wanted to come here again, but I did anyways... With a few hesitations and running on the wall type of situati…

Save yourself.

before you save others.
It is not a selfish act, so don't blame yourself on it. Nor to take yourself lightly. I was in your shoes. I feel weak when I was unable to help someone else with their problems. However, in the end, I know that I was suppose to deal with my own first.
2015. It was a year I have experienced this the most. It hit me hard. Right on my head, a full mental breakdown. Although everything has passed, these scars remained, and shall never be recovered.
I tried to save him, but I couldn't. I felt the obligation, the weight on my shoulders. What I should have done, what words I should say to comfort his soul, to ease his heart. It was not a stupid mindset, rather something that I wouldn't have learned if I did not act on it that time.  It hurts, but I do not and wouldn't regret it.
No one wants the scar.  However, it was the scars that makes you remember the lesson. Take it as a mark, a history, maybe a story for the lessons you have learned over these ye…