Showing posts from July, 2018

Let it break you

In order for yourself to heal.
The old me wouldn't let myself grieve for a long period when unfortunate events occur. I think because the faster I choose to move on, the stronger I portrayed to be. So I found myself not giving myself enough time to grieve over something and trying to push myself out from my dark corner, acting as if I am okay.
The fact is, I am not.
Pushing yourself out there after a sad event and to stand up is a good thing. Moving on is another good thing followed. But sometimes deep down you still feel that the wound is there and by concealing it does not render it heal instantly. And I thought that by covering the wound and forgetting is a way of healing. I was wrong. Maybe it is for some people, but I know that person will certainly not be me. Because after years of hiding, suddenly one memory of something or someone will once again rip off that facade that you used for concealing. You never truly heal.

Forcing yourself to chin up and move on in a prompt time…

I am still here.

writing about the things that inspires me, my thoughts and sometimes, about myself.
Some friends of mine are surprised when they saw me sharing some of my entries on my social media platform. My primary friend commented: "Omg, you are still blogging!" The comment itself has made me realized that after number of years, I am still here, writing on this platform. Sometimes I am skeptic about the counter taking in the number of people who either read or merely hop by my platform. I wonder who is reading entry by entry, or is excited when they see me publish a new one. Regardless, I am still here, writing till whoever knows when.
I have undergone various changes in the platform itself and of course, the shifts on the content I am writing. I don't regret the shift though I am unable to publish as much I could in the past. From a daily diary or a rant post to more processed-thought type of posts. From this, I have actually found the purpose of me continuing to write.

Looking ba…

Leaving alone.

Once again.
July 15, Sunday. I am once again leaving alone. But this time I am leaving the UK back to my home country, Malaysia. The packing process was hectic though I didn't purchase a lot things. It took me 2 days to finally get everything in order. Bidding goodbye to my accommodation, my first and last home in Hull. Is it weird if I thanked my accommodation before I leave? o k a y.

A part of this entry was typed when I am on my way to Manchester Piccadilly station, taking in every view passed by. There are lots of beautiful places in the UK, especially the outskirt areas that I haven't have the chance to travel to and might never be able to travel for the rest of my life. But at least I am able to see it at this moment. 

And the fact that I am leaving does make me wanted to hold on Hull for awhile.

The last 8 hours made me extremely hyped (maybe I was jet lag crazy 'cause I am switching between timezones). One thing for sure I am extremely excited knowing that I have on…

For these 30 seconds.

That we have waited for.
July 12, Thursday. My friend and I joked about how we have worked hard by pulling all nighters and pushing through every academic boundaries that we have faced though we are unwilling to just to exchange it for 30 seconds of glory (maybe less than 30 seconds) walking on stage and shaking the Chancellor's hand.
A Chinese saying matches what I have mentioned: 10 minutes on stage requires 10 years of hard work.

Every effort put in during these 3 years is concentrated into this very moment. My palms are sweaty, heart beat is fast but here I am, wearing a proud smile as I walked on stage, looking at the audience down stage and thinking about my parents at the same time. I have even clapped for my friends when they are on stage before it's my turn, being proud for them and grateful that all of us get to graduate together.
I am not someone who celebrates graduation, even in my high school years. It is an end of that phase for me and I will move on pretty quick…

Maintaining this relationship.

I promise I won't leave.
July has been treating me well so far (even before that!) and I am truly grateful for that ❤️.
Loads of good food and coffee, most importantly, good friends by my side. This brings out an important point- I have been eating a lot lately. Hahhaa 😂. But I am enjoying everything I have had so far.
After a long journey of working out extremely and repeating cycles of the same restrictive diet, I am finally on the spot where I can indulge intuitively and not feeling too guilty about having delicious meals with my friends. It was not easy. I knew the whole unhealthy diet scheme almost drove me to eating disorder high way, which is such a stupid thing to do. Despite that, I never regret undergoing such experience. Sometimes you have to go through the same cycle over and over again in order for you to truly understand and find a way for yourself.
I am not an expert, I just speak out from my terms of balancing my mentality towards food. I am not and have no rights…